Losing My Faith in Humanity

Betrayal is hurtful, but it hurts the most when it comes from someone that you genuinely believed that you could trust. It stings like salt in an open wound.

She has been there for me most of my life, and her age surpasses mine by more than a decade. I thought that she was smart, but it turns out I was very wrong. How could she do something so vicious, and not even stop to consider the impact that it would have on everyone else involved. It wasn't only herself that she was fucking over. There were two more of us, waiting to learn what she had done. Her own siblings.  The people that have been there, by her side for a lifetime, trying to help make sense of all the bullshit right along with her. People who genuinely loved her.

It makes it worse that she didn't have the balls, still doesn't, to call and tell me what she did herself. She can't even bring herself to utter the words. I had to find out through a random phone call from a stranger.  Someone that I had never spoken to before in my life, and he laid it on me like a ton of bricks. My inheritance was gone with one careless act from the bitch that I used to call my sister. Too selfish to let on to the fact that she was drowning financially. Too proud to ask for help. Too cowardly to tell the truth after all was said and done. We trusted her, and took her word for it far longer than we ever should have. Turns out she was nothing more than just a thief and a liar. Words that she had used to describe the common enemy that we shared in my mother's husband. A man we all hated, her more than the rest of us, yet here we are and those words fit her like a glove. Liar. Thief. Coward.

She packed up and moved away, not leaving a trace of evidence as to where she has gone. Her phone number has changed, and she is no longer responding to emails. It is as if she has vanished. I almost wish she really would.

If I had the chance to speak to her, just one more time. I would ask her why she did it, and beg her to give me some sort of justification. Even though I know there is none. I want to know what the fuck she was thinking when she signed the paperwork that sealed our fate without even having the decency to let us know what was coming. I thought that's what family was all about. Communication, and for god's sake, honesty. I guess that, up until this point anyway, I have suffered from an altered perception of what reality is. A place that you could trust people, a place that apparently doesn't exist.

I am done exhausting effort to try and get a hold of her, and I am accepting the fact that she and I will never speak again. I will never know why she did it. I will be left to continue assuming. I will be left to live with the fact that my own sister fucked me over worse than any stranger ever could.

I am erasing her from my life.

Night and Day

Something that I failed to mention in my previous post about our camping trip was the final hike that we went on a few days after we took Belle home.  The reason that I have waited to post about it, is because I was hesitant to let you in on a secret of mine.   

Let me explain.

A few years ago, Brett and I went on a bike ride.  If you have been a long time reader, or possibly sifted through the archives, you probably know where I am going with this one.... If not, take a quick pause and read this.

Remember now? Yeah, that.

Okay, now that you are acquainted (or reacquainted, rather) with our first encounter with the trail I am going to tell you about, we can continue.

Turns out, when I posted about the trail the first time, I was being a little dramatic.  What?  I can admit when I'm being ridiculous if I want to...... It's true though.  I had a serious case of over exaggeration, mostly because I was bitter about the situation. 

About half way through our camping trip, we made the mutual decision that we needed to make another attempt at conquering the aforementioned trail.  It would be a lot different this time, because I would not be stuck pushing my bike the whole way, and we were going to pack more water.  The trail was not going to win. 

This time around the trail was pleasant.  It was tough in some spots, but seriously so much more enjoyable!  We had great conversation the whole way, mostly reminiscing about the first time, and the views were amazing. I don't think that we even stopped when we were up there before to enjoy any of it.  There were no injuries involved, and no crying on my part. That right there has to say something! This time we also wised up and took the GPS with us to map out the trail and see how far it actually was. 

Would you like to take a guess at how many miles it really was?

We were told that it would be ten miles, ended up thinking that it was more like twelve miles, and we now know that it was just under six miles.  SIX! That's it. Here is the GPS image of the trail:

The only part that sucked at all was the last ten or so minutes.  We were in an open area, with no tree cover, walking uphill.  The majority of the trail had some gorgeous tree cover, and there was wildlife running around all over the place.  We even took a second to stop for a picture in the same spot as last time:

I would definitely do it again, as long as there is not a mountain bike involved, and next time we will probably take Belle with us. She would have loved it. 

Back within the grasp of reality

Waking up in the morning to the sound of the river, rolling along the rocks, just fifteen feet away from our tent was so calming. It was just what we needed. It's good to be home, though.

The first day consisted mostly of setting up the campsite the way we wanted it, and gathering firewood.  Brett made a pretty impressive woodpile to get us through the week, and we were lucky to have his dad's chainsaw to make things go quicker than trying to cut up six dead trees with just an axe.

We took Belle with us, which we had never done before.  Don't ask me how we have gotten through seven years of owning a dog without taking her camping, because I have no idea.  Usually when we go, it's just for one night, so we find someone to watch her for us.  Needless to say, we were a bit worried about how well she'd do.  She is such a princess.  I mean, we are talking about a dog who cannot sleep without a pillow under her head, or at least a blanket.

She surprised us the first night by investigating the wilderness surrounding our campsite.  Though she never strays too far from sight, she got a lot more brave than I expected that she would. She was off into the stream, traipsing through the weeds, and even laying in the dirt despite the fact that we had a blanket on the ground for her just ten feet away.  She seemed like she was loving it, and was born to be outside, so the next morning we decided we were going to take her on a hike.  She loved every minute of it!  Towards the end of the hike, we came across a water trough that had been placed just off of the trail for the people who rode through on their horses.  Belle was in heaven.

After we got back to camp though, she decided that she was ready for a nap in the comfort of the front seat of the Jeep.

The next morning, she was not a happy camper.  After we woke up, she was walking like her feet were bothering her, and she was sick.  We decided that it would probably be best if we took her home. She was clearly not having fun anymore, and I worried that maybe she had eaten a plant or bug that had made her sick.  She looked and acted miserable. We took the short twenty minute drive down the canyon to drop her off at home.  Brett lifted her up out of the back of the Jeep and set her on the grass, and it was as if someone had flipped a switch.  She was no longer walking like her feet hurt, and she acted like she was just fine.  I am convinced that she was just trying to manipulate us so that we would feel guilty and take her home.  We totally fell for it.

One thing that we learned during our week of roughing it, is that we are totally not cut out for long term camping for a few reasons.  There were two times that we came back into town after we brought the dog home, to get ice or other things that we had forgotten.  We also rely too heavily on technology.  We took a generator with us so that during the hot times of the day we could sit under the shade of the canopy and watch movies or play Pac Man on the laptop.  We also used said generator to run a fan to cool us off and charge our phones when they were losing battery power.  Who the hell knows how we would ever survive without electricity.  I guess that's why we decided to only camp twenty minutes up the canyon from where we live.

Some other things we learned on this camping trip:

• Mosquito's are not repelled by mosquito repellent or citronella.
• Flies are a pain in the ass, however, they are repelled by smoke from the campfire.
• Dogs should not eat whole corn cobs, so don't throw them in the fire pit or on the ground.
• Two humans can consume $150.00 worth of cheap liquor in five days.
• Hiking in the blistering hot sun is only fun for the first 5 miles.

All in all, the camping trip was exactly what we needed, and we had a ton of fun!  I think that we are going to try and make it a tradition that we go camping for a week each summer.  I love spending time with my husband in nature.

Dear mom,

Happy birthday. 

I cannot believe that time is continually moving on without you here.  I think about you everyday, and it's still hard to believe that you aren't coming back. I hope you know that we are celebrating for you in our own way tonight, even though you won't be there to enjoy it.  We are going to have fun and remember the way things used to be.  The way they should be, still.

I love you so much, and miss you more than words can express.

Love,
Kaylyn