Next step

The last year and a half have been a blur.  I know that the last time I posted it was a pretty heavy subject, and I have been back here many times to write about new things that were going on, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it once I saw that picture of Belle.  It still tears me up inside that she is gone.

Now that it's been a while since Brett graduated college, I've decided that it's finally time for me to take that leap.  I've got one semester under my belt and as I prepare to start the second, I find myself excited and terrified all at the same time.  I know that I can do it, but it's going to be a really long road and every time I think about the commitment to it, it just seems daunting. So far, the two classes that I've taken have been good and I was able to maintain A's in both classes.  Hopefully that's a sign of things to come. I am very appreciative of the fact that I was able to find a program that I will be able to complete online because it allows me to do things at my own pace (mostly), which means that I don't have to alter my day to day schedule or cut corners at work.

I used to have a hard time understanding people who started college without a real plan.  I would hear them talk about their decision to start down the path toward a specific major and then change their minds after a while. I figured that if you were making the commitment to go back to school, it was only logical that you had made up your mind about what you actually wanted to do with life.  The program that I've signed up for is one that I never really saw myself pursuing, but when it came down to it, and I was meeting with my academic advisor, she kind of directed me to it.  I have already started thinking about changing it, but since it goes against how I've always felt I'm having a conflict inside of myself about it. If I change, it's quitting on something that I've committed to.  If I stick with it, I'm potentially risking some serious failures and that scares me.  I know that I don't have to decide right now, but I don't like the thought of not knowing where I'm headed.  If I make the change, things will get more challenging because I most likely won't be able to do all of it online, but in the end I feel like it will be the better decision.

I'll keep you posted on what I decide to do.

Lethargy leads to thinking.

So far, all the new year has brought to me is illness. I have been sick for the last two days, which means that I have done nothing but lay on the couch and sleep.

It has given me a lot of time to think though. I've been thinking about the changes that I'd like to make this year to better myself, better the situation we are living in, and better my relationships with the people who mean the most to me.

To better myself I plan on writing, at least a little bit, every day. Whether it's my blog or working on my book, I want to write. I need to write. Writing is my sanity. It's the one creative outlet that I have, and it helps me to keep myself balanced. I enjoy it, and that is why it's important to me. Along with writing, I need to become a healthier version of myself. I need to get back into a routine, start eating healthier and workout regularly.

To better our situation, I need to work on doing something to make a little extra money. I have a few ideas that I am working on, some by myself and some with partners, that I hope to be able to tell you all about soon. For now though, I don't want to jinx anything. They are big ideas though, and I cannot wait to see where they will take me.

To better my relationships with those that I care for, I need to start by making a stronger effort to communicate more often.  This year for Christmas, I didn't pick up my phone to make a single phone call, all I did was sent out a mass text. A text message. So pathetic. The other thing that has really been lacking is birthday's of those that I love. I used to be very good at remembering birthday's and I have seriously fallen off the bandwagon with that one. I never send birthday cards, and half the time I don't even remember to call.  I need to make a better effort with birthdays.

Don't mistake these changes for new year's resolutions.  They are not.  They are life resolutions. Things that I want to change about my life and keep up with them indefinitely.

Torn

You all know that I hate the snow.

I'm a little torn lately, though.

Usually by now we have had snow for at least a month and a half, and lots of it. I'm usually bitching about the shitty commute by now, because as soon as it starts snowing, people drive like total assholes. This year though, there is nothing. No snow anywhere in sight, other than the very peak of the surrounding mountains, and it is January 4th. I wake up every morning a bit relieved, but to be honest, now it is starting to worry me.

I don't like the snow at all, but in January I would rather be a month and a half into the snow season, knowing that there are only a few more months to go before spring. The fact that we have no snow yet means that when it finally does start to fall, it most likely won't stop until June. Last year we had snow clear into April, and it started when it was supposed to. It's not unusual for the snow to linger into late April, or early May, but that is usually where it stops. This year, I'm not convinced that will be the case.

Dark passenger revealed

If you watch Dexter, and you have not seen this seasons finale, don't read this post. I purposely waited a little while though, so that I wouldn't spoil the ending for anyone who does watch.

Last week we watched the season six finale of Dexter with the Schlange's. Okay, so we didn't watch it with them, but we did watch it at our house at the same time that they were watching it at their house and we spent the whole episode texting back and forth. That's how we do dates these days. What? Commuting is expensive.

The episode moved at the pace that most others usually do, and things were pretty intense the whole time. It's always a nail biter. The texts that we were sending back and forth were mostly a string of predictions and an occasional "oh FUCK!" when something really good would happen.

The whole thing went by way too fast though, and when we realized that there was only a minute and thirty seconds left of the episode, I found myself a little baffled about how they planned on wrapping it up. He still hadn't killed the bad guy, and I was getting a little worried that it might not happen. As he usually does, he was taking time to explain to his victim the reasons that they were lying on his kill table before plunging a knife into their chest. This is always my favorite part. Then, as he was rambling on about how insane Travis was for thinking that the murders he had committed were all part of God's plan, Deb walked into the church where Dexter had set up his kill room.

At this point, I almost had a heart attack. Then, right as Dexter lifted his knife Deb walked in the room and watched him stab the doom's day killer through the chest.

I could not believe it.

With the show having two more seasons left, I am totally baffled. I thought that they would have waited until the last season to reveal who Dexter really is to the people around him. What are they going to do now??? I am seriously dying to see what happens in the next season, and now I have to wait in suspense until next September.

This is going to be a long damn year.

What a waste of a day

I spent my day Saturday doing some Christmas shopping. It was a nightmare. Will you please remind me next year to get my Christmas shopping done by June?  Please?

The traffic was ridiculous, and parking at any store I went to was nearly impossible. I didn't know that many people even existed in the state of Utah, let alone that it was possible for all of them to occupy one Wal-mart. That was where I drew the line. I walked into Wal-mart and made it about forty feet into the store before I turned around and walked back out. It was a cluster-fuck, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I refused to fight the crowd just to wait in line for an hour to purchase my three items. I'd rather pay a bit more and go to another grocery store.

I think all in all I went to about six stores, yet it took ALL day. I finally got home after being gone for nearly seven hours, and only wanted one thing to ease the pain of it all....vodka.

I don't plan on leaving my house again until Christmas is over.

Hopefully my boss won't mind.....

December snuck up on me fast this year

The only snow we have had thus far in 2011....fine by me!

I know that it's December, and there's nothing that I can do about it, but I'm just not ready yet.

I'm not ready for snow. It was supposed to bombard us yesterday, but it didn't come. I can't tell you how relieved I was when I woke up this morning and looked out the window. The fact that there was no snow on the ground meant that I had ten more minutes of sleeping to do because I didn't have to go out and clean the snow off of my Jeep. I'm not going to be happy when it finally does start falling, because if it's held off this long, I have a feeling that means it's going to be a rough winter.

I'm not ready for Christmas. I am usually so excited for Christmas to come that I just can't stand it, but this year for some reason, I'm just not. I didn't put up my tree, instead I am using the wooden tree that Brett built me last year as a cookie display. This year my heart is just not in it. I'm not sure why.

Who knows, maybe I will come out of my funk.  One can only hope.

Mustaches are gross

Someone that we know has recently grown a mustache. No beard, just a mustache. It rests extremely prominent on his upper lip, with nothing else there to help those who look at him make any sense of it. It is all alone, almost as if the rest of his facial hair saw it coming and ran in the other direction.

This person is family.

I am the type of person who tells people what is on my mind, and I don't have a very strong filter. Especially if the thought is in relation to something extremely ridiculous. This no-filter-asshole-behavior has no exceptions for family. If anything, family gets it a little worse than most because they know me, and they know to expect it.

When said family member showed up to Thanksgiving, and I caught sight of the ghastly thing, I blatantly laughed out loud and called him a pedophile as soon as he was within earshot. I felt a little bit like Nelson from the Simpson's, only without the pointing.

Anyone who has a mustache, without an accompanying beard, looks like they should stay the hell away from small children. Even Brad Pitt:

I don't understand this trend, and hopefully I never will. There is just something so wrong about it. It just looks like an extra eyebrow.

Am I the only one who feels this way about them?  Tell me I'm not alone here!

Something that I will never understand

Why is it that people make such a big deal about black Friday?

You have a nice relaxing Thanksgiving holiday, where you get to spend time with your family and enjoy good food, only to wake up the following morning far too early and go fight crowds of people to get deals on shit that you really don't need.

I remember when my mom used to come home after a long day of black Friday shopping. Exhausted and broke with bags and bags of stuff. Just stuff. Half of the things that she would buy weren't even on the list she had taken with her, and when she got back she would spend the rest of the week trying to decide who she was even going to give all of this stuff to. She didn't need it, she just bought it because it was such a great deal! 

I have only ever ventured out on black Friday once, and it will never happen again.

It was right after we moved in with Brett's sister. She had caught wind of the fact that Joann Fabrics was going to have their flannel on sale for ninety nine cents a yard, and both of us thought it would be totally worth it to go. We were planning on being there as soon as they opened so that we would get a great spot in line and be out of there in no time. If there's one thing that I know now from that experience, it's that things never go according to plan. Ever. When we got there, the doors had only been open for a brief fifteen minutes or so, and we went straight to the cut table to pull a number so that we wouldn't have to wait long once we got our fabric cut. The number that we pulled was something like 107 (come on, how do you expect me to remember the exact number? It was like four years ago.) and they were currently serving guest number 3.

The biggest mistake we made that day was not turning around, right then and there, and walking out of that store.

We started filling a cart with bolts of flannel with all kinds of patterns, there were so many to choose from. By the time we were ready to have our fabric cut, they were only serving guest number 12. We decided to wait it out, because how long could it really take, right? Well when everyone ahead of you has an average of 30 bolts of fabric, it can take a long damn time. Brett kept calling to see where we were, because before I had left the house that morning at 5:00, I had assured him that we would be home by no later than 7:30. I was so wrong. It got so bad that when we were still there, waiting to have our fabric cut and it was only noon, Kristi called a friend of hers who lived in the area and begged her to bring us Cafe Rio. We had no shame. We sat there at the pattern table with our lunch and ate it in front of everyone there.

By the time we got out of there it was almost 2:00 in the afternoon.

Tell me why people do this to themselves year after year, just to save a few bucks. I don't get it. I would rather spend the extra money and shop on a day that there aren't hundreds (thousands?) of other people fighting to get to the same thing.

Are you a black Friday shopper? Why do you do it?

Refreshing

For the past three months or so, I have been working four ten hour shifts at work so that I could have Friday's off.  I was convinced that a three day weekend would be the answer to my prayers. At first it was nice having an extra day off every week, and I thought that I was living the life.

Let me just tell you how wrong I was.......

I was working until 8:00 every night, and by the time my forty minute commute was over all motivation had been long gone. I never really did anything productive when I got home and stopped working out, so I wasn't feeling up to par. Sure, I got to sleep in a little bit each day and didn't have to go to work on Friday's, but what good is being off on Friday when your husband works or has school all day and your best friend lives an hour and a half away?  No good. 

I have recently changed my schedule so that I am working earlier, five days a week, and I am off each day by 3:30 or 4:00. It's still new, but man is it making a huge difference in my day.  I get to see my husband more often, and actually eat dinner with him at a reasonable hour on occasion. I am less bitchy. What?  I can admit that ten hour days doing customer service on the phones makes me bitchy.  I feel like I have so much more time in my day, and yesterday I got to do something that I haven't been able to do for a while...read. I got my house cleaned, and some laundry done, then while Brett was working on homework I actually took some time to read. I have been working on the same book now for so long that I am starting to forget how it started.

It's going to be great to have myself back. I miss being a productive wife. Wait. Brett, was I a productive wife before?

Don't answer that....

Have I ever mentioned to you guys that I am not a fan of Monday's?

There are too many reasons to name. 

Today specifically though, it could have a lot to do with the fact that I am sitting here at work, and Chaz and Shay have been in Disneyland for the last eight hours.  We were really hoping to be able to go with them this year, however, things didn't seem to go as planned. We spent the majority of this past weekend hanging out with them and wrapping up preparation for the murder mystery dinner next weekend, talking frequently about how jealous I was that they would be spending the week in Disneyland.

Then last night, I had a dream that Brett decided that he was going to fly out to California and join them, leaving me behind because I couldn't get the time off of work.  That's just fucking rude. He kept sending me videos of the three of them on rides, taking pictures with Mickey Mouse, and rubbing it in that I was not there with them. 

Then I woke up.

Which brings me to the next thing that I don't like about Monday....it means the weekend is over.

What did you do this weekend?

Crunch time

With one week left until Witches Night Out, I still had a lot of sewing to do, so my plan was to spend the majority of the weekend sewing. Doesn't it suck when things don't go according to plan? 

I got quite a bit done on Friday while Brett was at work, and then we packed everything up and headed to Ogden to see our favorite friends.  Friday night was spent mostly planning what we were going to accomplish Saturday, and my costume was at the top of that list.  Halloween is one of those times of year where I just have way too much going on.  I always over commit myself to projects, but this year I feel like everything, though there is a lot of it, will be easily managed if I just stay on top of it. 

Saturday morning threw a little wrench into my plans..... my sewing machine broke. 

It took a good part of the morning, but my handy husband finally fixed it, and sewing continued.  Then a little while later, it stopped working again all together and I was so frustrated at that point that I just gave up.  I don't deal well under pressure when there is a deadline to meet, and I can't very well go to Witches Night Out naked.  I don't think anyone would appreciate that.

Sunday, all was well again because I took Shay's sewing machine home with me and was able to finish my costume and get Brett's mostly done. 

I can't wait for next Saturday to post the pictures of our costumes! 

This is seriously the first year that I'm not out shopping or sewing the day before our Halloween party to try and get my costume done.  I'm a procrastinator.

What are you going to be for Halloween this year?

Losing My Faith in Humanity

Betrayal is hurtful, but it hurts the most when it comes from someone that you genuinely believed that you could trust. It stings like salt in an open wound.

She has been there for me most of my life, and her age surpasses mine by more than a decade. I thought that she was smart, but it turns out I was very wrong. How could she do something so vicious, and not even stop to consider the impact that it would have on everyone else involved. It wasn't only herself that she was fucking over. There were two more of us, waiting to learn what she had done. Her own siblings.  The people that have been there, by her side for a lifetime, trying to help make sense of all the bullshit right along with her. People who genuinely loved her.

It makes it worse that she didn't have the balls, still doesn't, to call and tell me what she did herself. She can't even bring herself to utter the words. I had to find out through a random phone call from a stranger.  Someone that I had never spoken to before in my life, and he laid it on me like a ton of bricks. My inheritance was gone with one careless act from the bitch that I used to call my sister. Too selfish to let on to the fact that she was drowning financially. Too proud to ask for help. Too cowardly to tell the truth after all was said and done. We trusted her, and took her word for it far longer than we ever should have. Turns out she was nothing more than just a thief and a liar. Words that she had used to describe the common enemy that we shared in my mother's husband. A man we all hated, her more than the rest of us, yet here we are and those words fit her like a glove. Liar. Thief. Coward.

She packed up and moved away, not leaving a trace of evidence as to where she has gone. Her phone number has changed, and she is no longer responding to emails. It is as if she has vanished. I almost wish she really would.

If I had the chance to speak to her, just one more time. I would ask her why she did it, and beg her to give me some sort of justification. Even though I know there is none. I want to know what the fuck she was thinking when she signed the paperwork that sealed our fate without even having the decency to let us know what was coming. I thought that's what family was all about. Communication, and for god's sake, honesty. I guess that, up until this point anyway, I have suffered from an altered perception of what reality is. A place that you could trust people, a place that apparently doesn't exist.

I am done exhausting effort to try and get a hold of her, and I am accepting the fact that she and I will never speak again. I will never know why she did it. I will be left to continue assuming. I will be left to live with the fact that my own sister fucked me over worse than any stranger ever could.

I am erasing her from my life.

Blurs

Life moves too fast most days. 

I don't always have a chance to sit down and write.  That makes me sad.  It seems like the older I get, the less time I have in my day.  When I fail to accomplish something that I needed to get done because I didn't have enough time, I get so frustrated.  I wish that I could just take the clock and slow it down, temporarily of course.

Do you think that Hermione Granger will let me borrow her time turner?  I bet I could get more done in the day if I had one of those in my possession.

Phone Etiquette

I work in a job where I am on the phone all day.  The one prominent thing that I have learned from working in this field is that there are a lot of people who don't have very good phone etiquette.  A lot.

Here are some pointers for you if you are one of these people:

1. If you are calling someone on the phone, don't stick food in your mouth right before they pick up.  It's gross.
2. If you are talking to someone on the phone, and they are in the middle of a sentence, let them finish what they have to say before you start talking.  Cutting people off is fucking rude.
3. Don't breath heavy into the phone.
4. Don't start your conversation off by yelling at the person who picked up the phone.  Chances are, whatever you are pissed off about is not their fault.
5. Don't have side conversations with your co-workers.
6. If you called me, don't put me on hold right after I answer the phone.

This shit happens on a daily basis. 

Security Blanket

Just after I had left home this morning to head to work I realized that I didn't have my cell phone with me.

I hate that feeling.

I instantly flipped around to go back for it. When I opened the door, Brett was already standing there with it in his hand, waiting. He had noticed it was still sitting on the table and tried to catch me, but I had already gone too far. It was as if he had read my mind, and knew that I would be returning.

Isn't it funny to stop and think that there was once a time when no one carried a cell phone in their pocket, and if you had an emergency while you were on the freeway you had to wait for someone to stop and offer their assistance? I cannot imagine how life would be if that were still the case.

I use my phone for a plethora of things, but communicating with my loved ones conveniently is definitely my number one reason for having it. I have already sent multiple text messages to my husband and best friend today. If I hadn't turned around to go home for my phone, I would feel so lost.

Farewell Carell

Last night was Steve Carell's last episode of the office.

I cried.

I may have been a little bit drunk.

Eff You Snow

I remain unconvinced that spring is on it's way.  This morning I woke up to the sound of my neighbor's snow blower clearing off their driveway.  Definitely not the way to start off the morning.  I am going to continue to attempt to defy the winter though.  I wore a knee length skirt and open toed heels to work today.  Take that, winter. 

The longer that I live in Utah, the more I wish that I didn't.  Shay, let's take our husbands and go to California!  There's a good idea.  We can come back once a year to go to Moab, and then we can be warm and happy for the rest of the year.  No more snow.  Wadya say??

Yay For the Weekend

I am so happy for the weekend to finally be here.  It's been a draining week and I am ready to have some fun.  :)  We are going to be surrounded by good friends, and I'm sure plenty of good food as well.  My friends are just the medicine I need to cheer me up right now!!

I just wish that the weather would change for the better, it seems like it's only getting colder each day.  I'm so ready for spring. 

I hope that you all enjoy your weekend, and party hard for the super bowl!!  Go Steelers!!

Liars are assholes

If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 

If you do, or have done, something to hurt me just grow the balls and tell me.  There is no sense in lying about it, because it's inevitable that I will just find out eventually. 

Being lied to hurts.  I will hate you less if you just fess up to whatever it is that you did wrong. 

Liars are cowards, that's what I've decided.

How to Annoy a Co-worker

I work in a large office building with roughly 200 employees that are on the same floor as me.  They do stupid shit that pisses me off on a daily basis.  Here are a few of the things that annoy me:

• They eat my lunch out of the fridge, even if my name is written on it
• They don't always flush the toilet
• They forward every email that they ever receive to everyone in the company assuming that we all have the same dumb humor they do
• If their food makes a mess in the microwave they don't always clean it up, apparently they think their mom works here too
• They park like assholes
• They talk into my ear telling me the same old stories every single day, even if it is obvious that I am trying to ignore them
• They come up and talk to me when I'm on the phone with a customer

For the most part I like the people that I work with, but anyone who shows the above behavior on a daily basis makes me crazy, and is therefore excluded from being liked.  If you would like to avoid being the person within your company that everyone hates, don't do these things.