Doing things a little differently

Thanksgiving has never traditionally been a holiday that I look forward to. I don't know about you, but If I am going to spend one day of the year devoted to eating, my food of choice wouldn't be turkey. Pretty much the only thing that I am ever excited to have on Thanksgiving is the stuffing, and I can make that any day of the week.

This year we will be the only ones going out to Brett's parents house, so there's really no sense in making all of that food for just the four of us. I proposed to Brett's mom that we do something different this year, to which she replied: "We will eat whatever you want".

You guys, do you know what this means?

It means that we are going to have pizza for Thanksgiving.

I am a total pizza junkie, so when she gave me the freedom to choose the Thanksgiving meal, I thought that it would be fun if we spent the day together making homemade pizza. Then eating it. Isn't that brilliant?

What are your plans for Thanksgiving? Do you have any traditions?

My weakness is that I care too much

"When I shut my mouth, and turn to walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It simply means your stupid ass isn't worth anymore of my time."

I have spent so much of my life trying to make sure that other people are happy that it has finally taken it's toll and is starting to make me bitter. Thank god I have finally opened my eyes and come to the realization that people change, no matter how hard you try. Their actions are beyond my control, and I can no longer exhaust all of my effort by trying to make things stay the same.

I have recently gone through some family drama, that for some reason unknown to me, has caused the relationship that I once had with my sister to fall apart completely. It's been months since we've spoken and she has no idea how terrible all of this has made me feel, but only because she doesn't care enough to try and find out. I have spent so much time trying to get a hold of her in every way I know possible, only to have no luck whatsoever. I have her address, but I just don't think that showing up on her doorstep is going to change anything.

I have always been the mender.

I try so hard to pick up the pieces and put them back together when things fall apart, and it just makes me angry and hurt when the other people don't seem to care as much as I do. Still, I call and make the effort to keep the relationships strong and continue to keep pushing forward despite the betrayal and hurtful words that have been hurled in my direction. I have always felt that if I just keep on trying, the other person will eventually come around.  Now I know that is not the case. Some people are just hopeless.

Three females in my life lately have basically become void of emotion and began to let our bond disintegrate completely with no explanation. I have, until now, given it my all to attempt stitching up the tears that have been carelessly created in the fabric of the relationship, but it's too late. As much as it breaks my heart to do so, I have to let go or I will lose my fucking mind.

I just wish I knew how to make myself forget the way they have. To come to a place where I don't give a damn either. On the other hand, then I would be a soulless monster too, and I don't want that.

Instead I will just continue to nurture the relationships of those who still matter and try to tuck the others away, somewhere in the back of my mind.

Losing My Faith in Humanity

Betrayal is hurtful, but it hurts the most when it comes from someone that you genuinely believed that you could trust. It stings like salt in an open wound.

She has been there for me most of my life, and her age surpasses mine by more than a decade. I thought that she was smart, but it turns out I was very wrong. How could she do something so vicious, and not even stop to consider the impact that it would have on everyone else involved. It wasn't only herself that she was fucking over. There were two more of us, waiting to learn what she had done. Her own siblings.  The people that have been there, by her side for a lifetime, trying to help make sense of all the bullshit right along with her. People who genuinely loved her.

It makes it worse that she didn't have the balls, still doesn't, to call and tell me what she did herself. She can't even bring herself to utter the words. I had to find out through a random phone call from a stranger.  Someone that I had never spoken to before in my life, and he laid it on me like a ton of bricks. My inheritance was gone with one careless act from the bitch that I used to call my sister. Too selfish to let on to the fact that she was drowning financially. Too proud to ask for help. Too cowardly to tell the truth after all was said and done. We trusted her, and took her word for it far longer than we ever should have. Turns out she was nothing more than just a thief and a liar. Words that she had used to describe the common enemy that we shared in my mother's husband. A man we all hated, her more than the rest of us, yet here we are and those words fit her like a glove. Liar. Thief. Coward.

She packed up and moved away, not leaving a trace of evidence as to where she has gone. Her phone number has changed, and she is no longer responding to emails. It is as if she has vanished. I almost wish she really would.

If I had the chance to speak to her, just one more time. I would ask her why she did it, and beg her to give me some sort of justification. Even though I know there is none. I want to know what the fuck she was thinking when she signed the paperwork that sealed our fate without even having the decency to let us know what was coming. I thought that's what family was all about. Communication, and for god's sake, honesty. I guess that, up until this point anyway, I have suffered from an altered perception of what reality is. A place that you could trust people, a place that apparently doesn't exist.

I am done exhausting effort to try and get a hold of her, and I am accepting the fact that she and I will never speak again. I will never know why she did it. I will be left to continue assuming. I will be left to live with the fact that my own sister fucked me over worse than any stranger ever could.

I am erasing her from my life.

Dear mom,

Happy birthday. 

I cannot believe that time is continually moving on without you here.  I think about you everyday, and it's still hard to believe that you aren't coming back. I hope you know that we are celebrating for you in our own way tonight, even though you won't be there to enjoy it.  We are going to have fun and remember the way things used to be.  The way they should be, still.

I love you so much, and miss you more than words can express.

Love,
Kaylyn

Simplicity

In a few short days, Brett and I will be heading off on a week long camping trip.  Just us and our dog.  It's going to be glorious.

This break from everything that makes my life hectic is so needed right now, and I look forward to soaking in every minute of it.  I don't care what the weather is going to be like. I don't care that I will be cut off from technology and the rest of the world. I don't care that the closest thing to a shower I will have is a box of wet wipes. I don't care about any of that, because all that matters is that the two most important beings in my life will be there with me. 

The two of them are all I need to be happy.

Entitlement

There is a long bridge between generational gaps.

There is a younger, female, member of our family who has been causing some serious problems lately for those around her, us included.

About two years ago, mid summer, the trouble started when said family member stole my car. She was only 15 and didn't have her license at the time. Out of respect for her parents we called the police, but chose not to press charges. We knew that if we pressed charges the people that would be most negatively affected would be her mom and dad. They would've been stuck paying her fines, and we didn't feel that would be fair to them.

After the initial shock of what had happened her parents carried out her punishment and the law was never officially involved. It seemed like things were going well and the incident was nearly forgotten.

Fast forward to this past February.

One day Brett and I noticed that there were a few things missing from our house. Naturally my mind shot straight to the car thief. Instead of just outright accusing her, I asked her if she had taken the missing items.  I wanted to give her the opportunity to tell the truth, but she flat out denied it. She lied right to my face without even blinking an eye. Then had the audacity to tell me that she refused to stand there and be accused of something she didn't do. 

After acquiring the proof that I needed to be sure that she was the one who had taken the items in question, we changed the locks on our house. We wanted to make sure this wasn't going to happen again.

I have never been in a situation where I have had my privacy so violated. It is a truly disgusting feeling.

Since all of this has unfolded there have been a few more incidences that have taken place and I have had some brief communication with her. She is delusional. She is under the impression that she has done nothing wrong. Nothing to violate my privacy. Nothing that I have the right to be upset about. She conjured up a story in her head to make me the villain, and she genuinely believes it.  It's really sad.  She has burned that bridge, and I am not interested in repairing it.

Here's what I want to know: what the fuck happened to the generation that followed mine to make them feel so god damn entitled?

They are lazy, and believe that the world should be handed to them on a silver platter. I don't know about you, but I think it's bullshit and I refuse to buy into it!

Sister of Mine

When I was a little girl, I idolized her.  I followed her around everywhere she went and always tried to tag along with her and her friends.  She is the reason that I love 80's music, she always knows how to make me laugh, and she is there for me when I need to talk.  We have an endless supply of memories that we will always share, and I know that there are many more to come.

She is my big sister.

As sisters we have obviously been through our rough patches, because that's what sisters do.  It's okay though, because we always find a way to work it out.

Happy birthday sister!!  I love you.

Harold Boyd Hughes

A week ago today, the world lost an amazing man. My grandpa. Harold Boyd Hughes.

I am so lucky to be able to say that I have had him as my grandpa.  He was the most loving, understanding, funny, talented, and kind man.  My heart hurts so much because I will never be able to hear that infectious laugh, taste his homemade candy or listen as he tells me one of his entertaining stories again, but my grief is just me being selfish.  He is in a far better place now, and he is in the company of his beloved wife as well as my mom.  He is where he has wanted to be for the past few years, and I know that they will take care of him for me. 

I will think of him often and smile. 

I love you grandpa, and I will miss you everyday.

My Way of Coping

August 13th was my mom's birthday. In the months approaching it, I was dreading each day that brought it closer. I am not coping well with her loss, and every time I think about her I want to cry. I just miss her so much.

I was trying to come up with a way to honor and remember her on her birthday, and I started brainstorming a few months ago. I wanted it to be something significant. Something that would make a lasting impression on my life, and help me keep her memory alive in my soul. My sister and I had been talking about getting memorial tattoos in her honor, but didn't really know what we wanted or when we wanted to do it. I picked up the phone one day and called my sister. "Let's do our tattoo's on mom's birthday!" That's all it took. She was in.

I had started looking at designs and finally decided what I wanted to do and found the artist that I wanted to go to, so Brett set the appointment. I couldn't be happier with how it turned out! My sister did the same general design, but hers is in a different location and has color instead of just black and grey. I choose to merge two Celtic symbols that I loved because their meaning was perfect for what I was trying to represent. One is the Celtic symbol for motherhood and the female power, and the other is the Celtic symbol for the transitions through life and death. I think it's perfect! What do you think?

Normally, I'd go for a hot dog.

Anytime we barbecue and the person manning the grill asks me if I want a hamburger or a hot dog, I always say hot dog.  I have always been a fan of hot dogs, and for some reason hamburgers just don't appeal to me.  I have tried them on a few occasions, from a few different places, and just haven't ever been too impressed. 

While we were visiting Brett's sister in Reno last week, one of her kids suggested that we go to In n' Out Burger for lunch.  Knowing that I am some what of a picky eater, she left it up to me to decide.  That was the moment that I proclaimed the four words that made the head of everyone in the room whip around so hard to look in my direction that I am surprised no one ended up with a neck injury. 

I've never tried it. 

They all sat there staring at me like I had a penis growing out of my forehead, but they just didn't bear to break the news to me.  Apparently if you haven't eaten at In n' Out burger you are some kind of outcast.  Who knew?

After everyone was able to lift their chins up off of the floor we decided that lunch that day could take place no where else.  I had to try In n' Out for the first time with them, and they were going to make sure of it.  On the drive over everyone just kept raving about how good the food was, and how impressed I was going to be. I continued to listen to said raving, unconvinced that I would like it as much as they believed I would. 

When we got there I was blown away by how simple the menu was.  You can choose from a hamburger, a cheeseburger, or fries.  Not even an option to pick chicken nuggets!  How good could this burger joint really be?

I will take this opportunity to put my foot directly into my mouth.  It was good.  I was impressed.  So impressed that after we got home, I found myself craving a cheeseburger, animal style with a side of fries. 

Thank god that In n' Out has recently planted it's roots in Utah.

Three Sixty Five

It's hard to believe that it has been a year since my mom died. I still don't feel like it is real. I thought that by now I would have come to terms with it, but I guess I'm just not quite ready yet. It was so weird to have Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. She loved the holidays so much. She loved that the family came together for the celebration, buying gifts for her kids and grand kids, and making candy for hours every day. They were definitely her favorite months of the year, and it is hard to know that they are going to continue on, and she won't be able to enjoy them ever again. It breaks my heart.

My family didn't even have a Christmas party this year.

Things just aren't the same without her around.

Didn't see this one coming

I never really expected anything to come of it, but I did it anyway. That's the kind of person I have become, I guess. Just try it out. If it works, great! If not, move on. I was driving in the car on my way to work one morning when I heard the DJ of the local morning show that I listen to call out to the listeners. "If you've got an idea for a topic we can use on the show, send us an email."

So I did. I sent him an email that told a brief version of this story. I was pretty sure that once the DJ read the email it would be passed over, and quickly forgotten. Surely there were more interesting topics out there. But at least I gave it a shot.

Turns out that wasn't the case at all. Yesterday I was driving to work and I heard that same DJ bring up my topic on the air. I hadn't emailed him back yet, and he was going to read the email on the air in five minutes or so. Two quick phone calls later, and there I was live on the radio talking about one of the most monumental things to ever happen in my life.

I was so nervous. I could fell my hands shaking as I tried to hold the phone steady to my ear. But I kept it together and answered all of the questions that were fired in my direction.

After the phone call was over, I couldn't believe it. I think that having the conversation live on the radio, and putting my story out there for everyone to hear helped make it so much more real for me. I couldn't help but wonder, what if he listens to their show, and he just heard everything that I said. What if he recognized my name, and now he's trying to figure out how to contact me? What if this was the step that leads to me actually finding him?

I think that this was a step in the right direction.

So glad I'm not that desperate

Out of all of the holidays that come and go Halloween always manages to keep me the most busy. It seems like I have been back and forth between the fabric store and the Halloween store about a hundred thousand times in the last two months. You know how it goes when you are working on a project and suddenly you realize that you forgot to buy something and are forced to run back to the store, AGAIN! Oh, that never happens to you? Guess I'm just unprepared.

On Monday night I dragged Kristi and Joeli with me all over Utah county trying to find all of the last minute things I still needed, like oh I don't know, MY HUSBAND'S WHOLE ENTIRE COSTUME!!! Yeah, I'm that far behind. Halloween is only ten days away, and I still haven't been able to find it.

We started at one Halloween store, then the fabric store, then a craft store, and then went to another Halloween store. No luck. So we decided to try Savers. Remind me never to do that again please. I'm not saying that all savers' are bad, but the one by my house is. I don't know if you have ever been in a savers before, but if not, just picture a really dumpy version of DI. They don't organize things very well, the smell when you walk in is enough to make you want to vomit, there are four hundred thousand people crammed into one store at any given moment, the employees are all extremely hostile, and did I mention the smell? It's bad.

We had probably only been there for about five minutes when Kristi leans in and whispers just loud enough for Joeli and I to hear her, that she is disgusted that they sell used bed sheets and comforters in a store like this, I mean come on! That can't be very sanitary. To which I reply that as long as they don't sell used panties, I'm alright. They don't do they?

After our brief exchange about the sheets I browse for maybe another five minutes, and find a jacket that I think might work. I'm standing in line at the register to give one of the aforementioned hostile employees my six dollars so that I can get the hell out of there, when Kristi leans in with another whisper and proclaims, that the answer to my question is yes.

At first I was somewhat puzzled, because I didn't remember asking her a question. Then she gets this really disgusted look on her face and goes; you know, about the panties! I just saw some over there by the bra's.

Forget the smell, because that was the point when I damn near lost my dinner.

The reality of the fact that it is going to be winter soon hit me hard today. I am not looking forward to winter. I really never do, mostly because I hate the snow, but this year just seems so much harder than the years before it. Usually I can find at least a few positive things to focus on in the gloom of the winter months approaching. Winter means holidays, family parties, treats, gifts, good food, happy memories, and fun. This year though, I can't seem to find the spark of excitement that I usually have.

I can't help but dwell on the fact that this year winter means that I will have to experience my first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my mom here, and the hardest part of all; facing the day that marks one year since she's been gone, and reliving all of the awful memories that day brought. New Year’s Eve will never be the same to me.

I really miss her today.

Xterra Utah 2009

Brett finished 119th out of 252 racers!
overall: 2:23:50
swim: 18:26
bike: 1:39:21
run: 26:03

Curtis finished 112th out of 252 racers!
overall: 2:22:13
swim: 22:43
bike: 1:34:30
run: 25:00

It was such an awesome race to watch! The swim was my favorite part because right when the gun went off for the race to begin all of the racers just rushed into the water at the same time! It was crazy. It looked like the water was full of sharks in a feeding frenzy. I can't imagine how intense it was to be down in the water at that moment. Brett and Curtis both said that they kept running into the other swimmers, and either kicking other people or being kicked themselves.

Brett came out of the water about 3 minutes and 20 seconds ahead of Curtis, but he ended up making up for the lost time during the bike ride. Since Brett was the first one out of the water I was expecting to see him come around the corner off the bike trail first, but Curtis was ahead at that point, and we almost missed him. I think that having each other out there on the trails definitely had to be a good motivator to keep going, and not give up. That's got to be why they finished the race within 45 seconds of each other!

I would have to say that the worst part of watching the triathlon is the anticipation. Watching as each racer passes you and moves onto the next leg of the race, waiting to see when Brett and Curtis were going to come around the corner. I am so glad that they both did so well!

The race was challenging for both of them in different ways, and now they each know what they need to work on for next time. Yes, I said next time. They are obviously crazy because they are planning on putting themselves through the pain again in Lake Tahoe's Xterra next year!

Congratulations Brett and Curtis!! You both did great!

Round two

{Click map to enlarge}

This coming Saturday Brett and his brother-in-law, Curtis, will both be participating in the Utah XTERRA triathlon!!

This race will be quite a bit different than the last one though. Last time he swam in a pool and then rode his bike and ran on pavement. This time it's going to be a lot more difficult because they will be swimming in open water and riding their bikes and running on uphill trails. {see map above}

This race will consist of a 750 meter swim in the Pineview Reservoir followed by almost 12 miles on a mountain bike, and finishing up with a 3 mile trail run at Snow Basin. It's going to be AWESOME!

If you are going to be in the Ogden area Saturday, and you've got some time to kill, I think you should come and cheer them on!

When: Saturday, September 26, 2009 - 9:20AM start
Where: Port Ramp Marina, Pineview Reservoir

If you need more information feel free to call or text me and I'll make sure that you know where you are going, and what time to be there.

Hope to see you there!!

Thoughtful gifts

I’m pretty sure that it is no secret that aside from my husband, books are my favorite thing in the world. I could spend hours and hours just walking around a bookstore, and never even buy anything. Just looking at the books makes me happy. I hope to someday have a collection so monumental that it will fill an entire room full of shelves.

One of the thoughtful gift givers in my life shares my passion. That would be Brett’s sister Kristi. She is also a book lover, and I think that is a big part of why we get along so well.

For a few weeks before Christmas last year she kept on telling me that she had found the perfect gift to give me. She just knew that it was going to knock my socks off. Despite many attempts to get her to spill the beans, and tell me what my gift was early, she held strong and made me wait until Christmas. It was agony. I am not a good secret keeper at all when it comes to gifts, I just hate the anticipation. I usually tell Brett what he is getting for his Birthday or Christmas a week or two prior to the day that I actually give him the gift. It is something that drives him crazy.

However, on Christmas day when Kristi finally let me open my gift it did not disappoint. She was right, once I saw what it was, my socks were no longer on my feet. It was a copy of my favorite book in the whole world, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Not just any copy though, a special copy. Why? It was a hard back, first edition, and it was signed by the author. I KNOW! Isn’t she great?

The plot thickens

I have really been going back and forth in my mind about whether or not I wanted to do a post about this, and the little devil on my shoulder has finally convinced me that I Should just go for it.

If you know me personally, then you are aware that I have never met my biological father. If not, then this is news to you. He left when I was just a baby, and I have never seen or heard from him since. I can’t explain it, but I have never really had a desire to know why. I had seen his picture, heard stories about him from family, and had a pretty good idea of what kind of person he was. I guess I just figured that I was better off without him. He didn’t seem to care at all about me, so why should I care about him? I asked my mom about him occasionally throughout my life, but she always responded with the same answer. Now was not the time to talk about it.

To me it has never really mattered who you are related to by blood. Your family can be anyone you want it to be. I have blood relations that I haven’t spoken to in years, and don’t really consider to be family at all. I consider my family to be the people around me who love me, and are always there for me, no matter what the circumstance may be. They are the people that I can always count on. So it never really bothered me that I didn’t know him.

About five months ago my brother, my sister, and I were going through some of my mom’s things and I found something that has, since then, completely rocked my world. It was a sealed white envelope that had my name written on the front in her handwriting. Naturally after discovering said envelope, I opened it up to see what was inside. Wouldn’t you? The contents of the envelope seemed to be nothing at first, just a few pieces of paper. The first page was my birth certificate, which I had seen many times before, so it didn’t seem too out of the ordinary. The second page is what I found to be interesting. It was a letter. Nothing too wordy or long, just a short paragraph, followed by a signature, and a Notary.

The letter was from my biological father.

I know that this discovery may seem unremarkable, but I can assure you it is not. Let me explain. The man who wrote the letter that I was holding in my hands is not the man that I have believed to be my biological father my whole life. It is someone entirely different, and someone that I do not know. I had never even heard his name before I read that letter.

Instantly after reading the letter I assumed that it wasn’t true, but then I spoke with my mom’s best friend and she confirmed it.

At the age of 24 I discovered that my biological father is not who I thought it was.

At first I didn’t really react. I didn’t have any intention of running out and finding him, and I just figured that it wouldn’t really affect my life at all. I already didn’t know the man I thought to be my biological father, so what difference did it make? Now it was just a different name than before.

Since I found the letter five months ago I have been struck by curiosity. With the other name I had at least seen pictures, and heard stories. Even though I had never met him, I still knew what he was like. The pages of my story, though tattered and torn, were complete. Now there is a hole in that same story. The question is: do I try to fill it in?

The first of many without her

Today should be a happy day. It should be a day filled with smiles and celebration. There should be a party to attend, with a guest of honor who is being showered with gifts. We should be eating dinner at her favorite restaurant, and preparing for the birthday weekend tradition that we started for her last year. There should be candles on a cake, and wishes being made. She should be surrounded by family and friends, enjoying the first day of the next year of her life.

Today would have been my mom’s 62nd birthday. If you ask me, 61 birthdays aren’t enough. She should still be here. She should be able to do all of the things that she loved: Watching her grandchildren grow, taking cruises, visiting new cities, shopping on QVC, making chocolates, sewing blankets, taking pictures, finishing the book she was reading, adding to her many collections, drinking Pepsi, watching new movies, picking wildflowers, listening to Chris LeDoux, going to yard sales, eating pretzels, spending time with her children, visiting her dad, playing with her dogs, going to lunch with her best friend.

Today my heart is heavy.

Happy Birthday mom! I love you, and miss you everyday.

I am not a whore!

This is a video of my Niece Stefanie and her friend Ashley. After they had a few too many drinks one night they decided that they were going to make a music video, and this is what they ended up with. It's pretty awesome.