December 31, 2008 was the day that my life was turned upside down. It is the day that my mom was taken from this life, and we have yet to learn what caused her death. I am more confused now than I have ever been in my entire life.
I feel like I am living in a dream, and I know people say that all the time when it comes to dealing with the death of a loved one, but it is so true for me right now. Usually when someone close to me dies I am able to deal with the situation rationally, and stay strong through it all. It is different with her. I have not fully processed what is happening, and there have been so many times that I have reached for my phone to call her, and tell her something that I thought would make her laugh. Then I remember that there will be no one there to answer, and I am heartbroken. But I still don't believe that it is real. I guess that is why they call the first stage of grieving denial. I just haven't ever done it "the traditional" way I guess.
Brett always asks me how I am able to stay so strong through all of the tragedies that I have been through in my life. The only answer I can ever think to give him is simple.....I have to be strong. I don't usually let myself break down because I need to be there for the people around me that are hurting too, and in my eyes it would make me weaker if I broke down.
Now I am beginning to realize that she was the reason I could always stay strong. I got my strength from her. I watched her go through so much in her life, and she always held her head up high. Divorce, death, broken friendships, divorce, cancer, losing her mother, divorce, watching her son battle a drug problem......You name it, she stayed strong through it all. Now without her here it is harder than ever for me to stay strong, and until just a little while ago I couldn't figure out why I was struggling so much. But now I know that it is because she is not here anymore, and I feel like I can't stand up on my own without her. My mom is gone, and my sense of strength and rationality is gone with her. For now, at least.
Don't get me wrong....I know that I have so many great people around me that can do that job now for her. But right now I just don't know how to let them. My amazing husband, my sister, my brother, friends, and the countless other family members who are here for me. I mean no offense to any of these people, but right now it just doesn't seem like there is anything that can make my heart stop hurting.
I love my mom so much, and I don't know how to be without her. Your mom is the one who you turn to when you are struggling, or need advice. Now I am struggling and need her advice more than ever, and she isn't here to give it anymore.
There is only one thing that comforts me now that she is gone, and that is knowing that she is no longer suffering. No more cancer, no more arthritis, no more pain, no more heart problems, and best of all no more bull shit.
I don't know how I will make it without her, but I know that somehow she will show me the way. Now she has taken on a new role: Gaurdian Angel.
Mom,
Thank you for being here for me when I needed you. Thank you for always making me laugh! Thank you for giving me strength, and teaching me how to make it through the hard times, even if I'm not doing so good at it right now. Thank you for being my friend. I love you so much, and I will think of you every day. I miss you more than words can say.
Kaylyn
I know how you feel, my mom and dad are still here but that night on my birthday when I got the call my grandpa would not make it to the morning brought my world crashing down. He was my second father, and my very best friend. Not a day has passed when I have not thought about him. I also still pick up the phone to call him but then realize he is not here. When my car is broke down I have to deal with it on my own, I can't have him come down and help me fix it. He is the person I model myself after and I try to be like him every day. I want to be remembered as a great guy just like he was remembered as when I die. So there is nothing I can say that will help you but I want you to know Shay and I will always be there for you when you need us. Stay strong, you will make it through and one day when you see her again she will tell you how proud of you she was for being such a great person. But until then just try to be the person you want to be remembered as when it is your turn to leave this short live. We Love You C&S
ReplyDeleteoh I am so sorry for you loss. I know how hard it is to lose someone close but I could never imagine losing my Mom. I really dont know what to say other than I am sorry you have this trial in your life and have to go on missing her forever. Remember all of the good times you had with her and hold them in your heart. Focus on the good and what you can learn from her and know that she is where she needs to be. Her mission on earth was finished and her work that she is doing now is where she needs to be. I know that she is watching over you and missing you and will find joy in your happiness!
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers I hope that you can gather strength soon and feel whole again as you fill the void she left with great memories and love!
Anna
Babe, I still don't know what to say. I wish we lived closer so we could go to lunch and I could just give you the biggest hug ever.....I know I can't say that I understand, because I don't. I admire how you are staying strong though. But remember, let yourself go too. You have to let those in your life that want to, to hold you, and love you, and hold that burden for you. If only for a second. I have no idea who your hubby is, but from what you have written he sounds like an amazing man. Let him hold you, Numerous of times. I know that your mother will be watching over you. And will be so proud of you, and that through YOU, she will live on. You are a product of what a good woman that she is. My heart and love goes out to you. I wish we were closer. Love you.
ReplyDeleteKaylyn
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that can make the hurt go away right now, but I wish there were. You're mom sounded like an amazing woman and I know you're every bit as strong as she was, because I am sure she raised you to be. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
OMG, Kaylyn! I'm so very, very sorry. Your sweet and vulnerable sharing of your feelings has left me with tears streaming down my cheeks. I have not words of wisdom, I don't know how it feels. Just know you're in my thoughts - love and light coming your way. OK, I guess I do have some advice :) Don't fight whatever feelings and emotions come your way. Embrace them, feel them, let those around you be the strong ones this time - let them support you. It's your turn to lean on others.
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Thank you for sharing these beautiful innermost feelings about your Mother, I was very very touched and sit here with tears rolling down my face at work.
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